4th December : Doctor Confirming 5th Missed Miscarriage " DEJA VU"

Today I went to my  appointment with the Gp,  we read the results  from the Ultrasound from Monday,  and as we were  suspecting ,  the ultrasound  shows no signal of the embryo , and  little area with hemorrhage, the Gp send me more  HCG  levels to see what  they are doing , but is more than  sure that I am having my missed miscarriage number 5, since last week I was already feeling the lower back pain ,  and I felt something was  quite not right when  suddenly I felt my breast less swollen,  last week  I also felt my belly not as  hard as past weeks.

Last week  I cryed a lot after the Ultrasound, I cryed as if somehow my body  or  my instinct knew that I was loosing this baby too,  it  was very strange.



Little bit about  the past : 

 I remember  baby #1 stop growing at 10 weeks  he saw his  heartbeat  in the ultrasound, the following week I felt very sad and sentimental  and I cried and I cried  I cried as if  I knew  back then that I was loosing him,  the same week  I had  tonsillitis  and swollen glands , and  little bit of fever, just for couple of days , I also had  a really bad coughing, something like  I couldn't breath properly , and specially at nights  .

I actually believe that somehow  this symptoms are  related to an immunology factor , I might be wrong , but  in all my pregnancies I did had  this symptoms at one point .
After my fist pregnancy , I also  notice that for the other pregnancies I was absolutely swollen as If i was 6 months pregnant  when I was only about 4 weeks in to the pregnancies .
This last pregnancy I was not swollen thanks to the prednisone and the clexane.

I have a little bit of information I copy from a blog, in which she talks about the  prednisone and  clexane  protocol that she use  when she was pregnant, the actual page  has been move from the internet but  still has the source , I have copy this page in to my site but I added the source of the letter:
http://unexplainedrecurrentmiscarriages.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/the-prednisone-protocol-bondi-protocol.html

To keep with my story .... For that time we move to the beautiful Adelaide in South Australia, and I went for my first check in the hospital ,  I was having  spotting from  very early  in my pregnancy, I was  very scared,   but the GP and the nurses kept telling me that "brown spotting was normal"and because of my age I belong to a normal pregnancy  group,  everything is fine they said ,  later on from week 12  I developed  lower back pain  and I started to  loose the pregnancy symptoms, I didn't felt as a mom anymore, I was not even able to think of a name, I started to feel very normal again. last week I felt like  "deja vu"  I felt like I was living something I already live .

I though somethings in the medical service were very funny  and even scary ,  at 14 weeks  the  midwife told me about about some blood tests that can be done at 13 weeks ,she mention  that  this tests were "optional" for normal pregnancies  and I didn't had to do it if I choose not  too, this is the screening test for Down Syndrome,  I think.

In Colombia , this test are mandatory, you don't have a choice , you basically  have to do it . So once more I decide I would  do this test  even if I belong to the "normal pregnancy  category ".
once the tests came back, they gave me a call, and she said  something went wrong with the test, you have to come, and we have schedule an "Amniocenteses" to see what is wrong with your baby.

The next day  just before the procedure start they did an ultrasound , this ultrasound show that the baby stop developed at 10 weeks , and I was going to need a D&C.
they book me in 2 weeks later, during those 2 weeks I was really really upset and traumatized I wanted the procedure done faster, I wanted to finish with this pain as soon as possible,  I couldn't stand the idea of having the baby in my belly for 8 weeks after he stop growing, this was my first pregnancy, and I felt really really guilty , guilty that  I didn't  demand a lot more from the doctors ,  I felt everything was my fault  and I was responsible for this little baby  and I couldn't take  care of  him.
It was horrible !! My life change a lot  when I loose that  first baby, I was in a completely diferent country, far away from my family, with no many friends around, I had my husband with me but I guess I was needing more support  I loose my smile & my happiness , I was totally dark ,  suddenly, I couldn't see any good in anything,  I was very depressed for more than a year , after that first missed miscarriage, I guess the impact of the  missed miscarriage is very strong as it leaves you  very confusing .

I visit  a great psychologist in Adelaide  his name is Alexander Ryan , He was awesome, he really help me a lot, thanks him, I think I started to work on healing and trying to overcome depression, I recently contact him  and he called me back straight away, and he told me  how he is gonna forget this Colombiana that never came back to see him  for more sessions  :-P he was actually funny, I think one day , I was the one with the questions, I certainly felt as I was doing therapy for him ;-P    anyway , he is now base  outside Adelaide ,  and now his website  is called  "The Love Doctors "!! really  worth trying  if you have a depression or a relationship problem .

 Last week on Sunday markets, before I knew about my  miscarriage,  I bought an  Hematite  necklace it was quite expensive , but I though it worth it  as I was stressed out  and  years ago
DR Ryan  gave me as present  a hematite necklace, he actually gives this to all his clients, he believes hematite stones bring you good energy and lower your  stress level, and also, bring you hope, he said  that we need hope , and we need  to believe in something, no matter what is it,  we need " to believe" to be able to overcome  depression.